Don’t Know What You Want to Be When You Grow Up?
This might help you figure things out
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where…” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
— LEWIS CARROLL, Alice in Wonderland
Unlike Alice, most of us do care about where we are going- very much. We overthink, strain and stress ourselves in trying to find out what we’ll be doing in 2, 5 or 10 years’ time.
We think the problem is not the smaller decisions in front of us, but finding out the answer to the big questions like, ‘what will I be when I grow up?’, or other similar variations like, ‘what is my passion?’. We don’t want to make the wrong decision so, in the meantime, we end up making no decisions.
This seemingly makes a lot of sense, because surely knowing what the end goal is can help us map out the most linear and straightforward way of getting there…or does it? Maybe life doesn’t work like that. I’ve reflected on these questions a lot myself over the years- especially when I was in school. Here I spell out the recurring assumptions I had along the way, and how my thinking towards them changed over time.
Why You’re Not Sure What to Do:
- You’re placing too much importance on your next steps- and feeling paralysed by it
2. You’re scared about not knowing what will happen next- you want some certainty and security
3. You don’t want to waste time
4. You think you need to pick the one thing to dedicate your life to
Now let’s look at them one by one…
1. Placing Too Much Importance On Your Next Steps
This overarching goal you’re looking for does not have to be your life’s purpose, the thing you’re most passionate about or what will be written on your gravestone. It can change.
The paradoxical thing is, we end up not setting any big goal because we think our current ideas aren’t ‘it’.
The truth is, there is no magic one-sentence wonder that will answer your question.
If your future-self visited you and said, ‘Hey, so basically… your thing is being a photographer’, you would probably just stare at them for a while. It wouldn’t be the eureka moment you’re waiting for.
The best thing you can do is ask yourself, ‘what is the next right move?’ and go ahead with your day. There’s no need or use in getting existential.
(I found that question, ‘what is the next right move?’, from Oprah Winfrey in this talk to Stanford (check out her closing remarks at around 1:03:00).)
2. Not Knowing What Will Happen Next Is Scary
I was watching this Chase Jarvis interview with Liz Gilbert, and Gilbert quoted Joseph Campbell (famous for The Hero’s Journey):
‘You have to give up the life that you have planned to have the one that’s waiting for you’. — Joseph Campbell
And Liz said,
‘But when you give up the life you have planned and you don’t know what’s waiting for you, there’s an interim when there’s no ground under your feet’.
This is the moment of salto mortale, the Italian phrase that I guess the English equivalent would be ‘taking a leap of faith’.
I was talking to a friend who’s in her early twenties trying to figure out what to do after she graduates this year. There’s something about the way people would give up an interesting, unknown career which you just can’t name yet, for some other quite frankly dull one- but that has certainty and some level of security. Abraham Maslow (American psychologist) places physiological and safety needs as the foundation of achievement/self-actualization in his famous work: Hierarchy of Needs. So it’s not just her, it’s me and every other breathing human out there who needs some security.
But remember:
- Don’t bend yourself into a pretzel trying to please your parents or society in general. Don’t pick something to please them…
- … but at the same time, don’t pick something just to ease your fears because you’re worried that if you don’t know what’s going to happen, you’re going to combust or something (you won’t I promise)
Yes, not knowing the outcome is very uncomfortable and unnerving. But also consider this- although you’re antagonising yourself right now, it might actually be slightly exciting having such possibilities in front of you. It’s a privilege to be in a country where you are given such freedoms that others don’t have- we take it for granted that we get to choose.
3. You Don’t Want to Waste Time
I understand the feeling of wanting to find it and commit ASAP- because then you can focus on getting great at it and actually make progress.
This is essentially a feeling of being behind in life in disguise. It’s the feeling of not having an answer when a family member asks what you want to do for a degree or for a career, or feeling behind compared to your friends. Here’s Marie Forleo’s take on feeling behind in this video.
4. You Think You Need to Pick The One Thing to Dedicate Your Life to
No, it doesn’t have to be one thing. It can be one thing for now, but it can evolve and change as the years go by. Or, it can be several things at once (which again, can change).
If you’re reading this it’s probably because there isn’t a clear track for you to take- and so it’s likely that whatever you will end up doing in the future will be an amalgamation of several different experiences and skills you pick up along the way. The ‘end thing’ could well draw on all these other interests you’re following in a way in which you couldn’t have predicted.
So the long way round might actually be the short cut.
But you’re probably feeling this because, in general, society really does expect it to be just one thing. If there are two paths people take, with one being the ‘specialist’ route (like becoming a doctor) versus the ‘generalist’ route then being the specialist is what society wants. The education system is set up for that person- at every level it gets narrower and narrower until you pop out at the other end with all your shit together and a career (apparently).
If you think you’re drawn towards several different things, consider reading up on being ‘multi-passionate’ or a ‘multipotentialite’. The basic message is: don’t try and deny that this is you- and in embracing this fact, it can actually help you build a great career.
Here are some resources:
- How to Be Everything: A Guide for Those Who (Still) Don’t Know What They Want to Be When They Grow Up by Emilie Wapnick. Or, you can find her Ted Talk (where she talks about ‘multipotentialites’) here
- Finding Your Element by Ken Robinson
- The Renaissance Soul: How to Make Your Passions Your Life by Margaret Lobenstine
Final Notes
What is your first port of call?
There’s a quote by the Roman Stoic philosopher, Seneca the Younger:
“When you have no harbour you’re aiming for, no wind is the right wind”
Using that metaphor, this harbour is not the only one you’ll visit. If you’re not sure about where to go, just make the best decision you can in picking one, go for it and get there, then pick another one and repeat.
The Journey
As cheesy as this sounds: it’s in the journey -not in the achievement of something- that’s most fulfilling. It’s also the journey on which you’ll spend 99% of your time on, not the destination.
Purpose
And as long as you’re heading somewhere, you do have purpose. Your purpose doesn’t have to be some grandiose thing.
So in summary- it’s okay to feel like you haven’t found ‘it’ yet. In the meantime, continually ask yourself ‘what is the next right move’ instead of getting caught up in trying to figure out answers to the big questions. More often than not, its in moving forward and trying things out that you’ll slowly begin to piece things together- and that in itself gives you purpose.
Good luck.
